Monday, December 1, 2008

I never held you in my arms, but always in my heart...

We were so happy when I found out I was pregnant with you. I thought about you a whole year before you came. You were our little baby, so loved and anticipated. I saw you in my mind every time I looked at pictures of my other children. I knew our family was not complete without you.

I went to the Dr. for my second regular appointment with my midwife. There were no problems to report of. I was 2 days away from being 14 weeks and finally feeling better and not so nauseous. I was so happy to make it through the first trimester - any worries of miscarrying were over - everything was going as well as my other pregnancies. The appointment started out fine. I was measured and all the usual stuff. Everything was fine. She talked with me about different tests & we just caught up a bit, before the end of the appointment she says, we're going to listen for the baby's heart beat & then we will see you again in 6 weeks. However, my midwife couldn't get your heart beat with the little Doppler. I didn't think anything of it.

She says, "It just because the baby's so small and moving around, sometimes it is hard to get it. We're going to cheat & bring in the small ultrasound machine."

She brings that in. She uses it for several minutes & then says, "I need to get a second opinion, it might be nothing, but I just can't find a heart beat."

Another doctor comes in the room & also can't get your heartbeat. My midwife, tells me, "It is either one of two things, either this small ultrasound machine is not picking the heartbeat up (which sometimes that can happen) or the baby's heart is not beating."

I can't remember everything she told me, but she told me these things so tenderly & kindly. They called the hospital and they wanted me to go there since the ultrasounds there are bigger & very accurate.

When I left the appointment, all I could think of was "this cannot be happening, I have to just pray & think positive that the machine just couldn't pick up the heartbeat." I received a blessing before I went to the hospital. I knew at once when I started getting the blessing, that you, our precious baby had died and this wouldn't turn out like I had wanted.

We went to the hospital and they quickly got us in and did the ultrasound. Well they couldn't get a heart beat either. I knew it the moment I saw the screen. I had come for a sonogram 5 weeks ago & saw you moving all around & your heartbeat flickering. We asked the technician how far along you were before you died & if she could tell if you were a boy or a girl. She said that you were a boy (just like your dad and I had knew in our hearts) and that you were about 13 1/2 weeks according to the measurements when your heart stopped, (so it would have happened probably a day or so before). We were in shock that night, I guess I never thought this would happen after 12 weeks, & after all I felt the same as I had with my other good pregnancies. I thought everything would be the same. No one knows the reason you left us and went back to heaven.

How could this happen? This tragedy, this unexpected happening. I always thought that having a miscarriage/ectopic (losing a baby in pregnancy) as your first pregnancy is harder than losing a baby in pregnancy when you already have children. But this one has been just as sad if not sadder as the first baby we lost ten yrs ago. It was so hard to say good bye to you. I remember the day so clearly that you slipped away, my heart broke.

I wish I could have held you and kissed you and watched you grow and taught you all the things little boys should know. I often think about the life we could have had together. But God had other plans for you. He needed you to go. We, your family loved you and always will. Save a place for us in Heaven, a place next to you. One day we will all be together.

Heaven will hold you before we do, and keep you safe until we come home to you.

We love you and miss you my sweet little angel baby boy.

You never said I'm leaving,
You never said goodbye.
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.

A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
That no one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

To the child in my heart...

Oh precious, tiny, sweet little one,
You will always be to me,
So perfect, pure and innocent,
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life,
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you touch you now,
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now your gone... but yet your here,
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had,
And yet we'll have forever.

We miss you, our little angel,
You will never be forgotten.

"Sadly, many of us who have suffered an early pregnancy loss reminisce alone. ... While others are for years mindful of the babies lost late in pregnancy or shortly after birth, they tend to forget the ones we lost early. Seemingly, they do not care and have no idea we continue to remember. But the Lord cares, and He remembers. That little baby was wonderfully knitted together in our womb by His hands, and just as He cares when a sparrow falls, certainly He felt our sorrow when our baby died. Never be ashamed or embarrassed to express your sadness for the baby you miscarried nor tell yourself that your loss was insignificant and statistically common. That was your little baby whom you loved, cared for, and lived inside you. No matter how short a time you were privileged to carry that living being, it was your sweet child. Remember, a baby is a baby, and no life is too small."
-Rebekah Mitchell

Miss You...